Thou Shalt Not Err: Part I - The Meeting And The Dream

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 14g. It has been enumerated for quick reference.





53 After the storm had passed, we gathered our belongings and journeyed together toward the caves of Pelekita, near Ampelos.
54 [As we came upon] Vrokastro, the clouds parted and sun once again [shone down on] us.
55 We were [exceedingly] joyful at this, and began dancing on the path.
56 At that moment a [peculiar looking] man with two hooded companions approached us.
57 We were startled and amazed for none of us [had seen them] from afar.
58 He greeted us in the common tongue and bid our names and destination.
59 We were without [a leader] and Pielos [stepped forward] to speak saying, "We are of the [commune] of the Xrystos at Chersonissos."
60 "We are [en route] to the caves of Pelekita near Ampelos that we may study and learn of the masters there.
61 And he spoke to us saying, "I am Obvios the Inerrant of Pelekita near Ampelos."
62 And we fell backwards at his words, for we were surprised.
63 And he extended his arms [motioning] that we remain comfortable and began telling us of a dream.
64 This is the account of his dream.
65 "As is my custom, I was asleep at the 12th hour when I heard a voice call to me.
66 And the voice was saying, 'Arise Obvios, for you [are to receive] great favor and jubilant tidings from the Lord, your God.
67 At this very hour you have been visited by the Word of Truth, and from this day forward [you will surely] cease to err.'
68 I replied saying, 'But I am only a man. How then, shall I not err?'
69 And the voice spoke unto me again saying, 'Fear not that you shalt not err, for many will seize upon you to cast doubt on your words.
70 But you will rise up against them with a tongue of fire, smiting your adversaries [from your] lips.'
71 And the voice departed.
72 And I arose and walked out [into the courtyard] and fell to my knees, thanking the Lord, my God.
73 And it seemed as I prayed, that the voice could again be heard, only more faint.
74 And it was saying, '[There are] such beautiful accoustics here. It is [certainly] a wonder, lest he should have perceived us...'
75 And I continued on my knees in thanks to the Lord, my God, until morning."
76 And when he had finished speaking, we were amazed.
77 And we bid him stay with us, that we might hear more concerning the Word of Truth.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

Fallowell the Intolerant

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 34b. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

1 [A man came from] the caves of Platavola near Melidoni wearing a cloak of goats hair and carrying with him 3 satchels of bat guano.
2 He was called Fallowell the Intolerant, and he was wise in the ways of men and government.
3 [And he spent many] days with us, teaching us of [politics] and sharing his wisdom.
4 And it happened that, as he was teaching, many among us wondered concerning the bat guano,
5 and while we were still wondering among ourselves, Fallowall perceived our amazement
6 and he answered us saying, "Surely there are those among you who are wondering [about the] bat guano I have brought with me."
7 "There will come a day when a land of freedom rises across the great ocean, and in this land of freedom there will be many who despise the laws of our Maker."
8 "They will begin to seek out [positions of] authority to justify their actions [by way of] the law."
9 "And when this occurs, I, and those who [are come alongside] me, will be prepared to hurl this bat guano at their feet, that they might not walk on holy ground."
10 And we sat in awe at the words he was saying to us, for we were not prepared.
11 So we began at once to gather our belongings, and journeyed from our dwelling near Chersonissos to the caves of Skoteino,
12 that we might collect bat guano in preparation for the coming of this fearful day.
13 After gathering each 3 satchels of bat guano, we made preparation and returned to the city where we practiced making the ground unholy before [the feet of the infidels].
14 And one after another, [the feet of the infidels] were covered with the guano.
15 Their shame was exceedingly great, as our righteousness grew in the eyes of the pious.
16 And we gained some [notoriety] in those days, when we walked with Fallowell the Intolerant.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

It has also come to our attention that there is some hint of prophecy in the text itself - though we are unprepared and ill-equipped to attempt any interpretation concerning what this prophecy means or who it may be about. That said, however, our very own Dr. Henry J. Plickett thinks there is a striking resemblance between Fallowell the Intolerant and a particular contemporary Southern Baptist preacher from Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia.

Meet St. Upid, Patron Saint of Complete Ignorance

Several years ago, in an archeological dig on the isle of Crete, a trove of ancient writings dated to the 2nd century and written in greek, were unearthed, encased in what appeared to be an ancient toilet.

The contents of these magnificently decorated manuscripts were at first, somewhat confusing , as it seemed to be some account of the life and teachings of a holy man, yet bore no marks of having ever been unrolled or handled. On further investigation experts concluded that the writings were in fact the lost artifacts of the venerable St. Upid. first mentioned in an obscure passage from Justin Martyr concerning the ignorance of the Cretans.

Not far from where the ancient toilet full of St. Upid's writings was found, another peculiar artifact appeared. This wall fresco apparently relates a regular occurrence wherein Upid would horde time in the bathroom causing other saints some consternation. Christ can be seen at the top of this fresco with his hands outstretched in gesture of asking what is taking so long.

As scholars began translating the documents what they found astonished them. It is these documents that we of the SFTPATOATBOAWRSONF (Society For The Preservation And Translation Of Ancient Texts By Obscure Authors With Relatively Small Or No Followings) have gained access to and have now translated and will be offering free of charge to the general public via this blog.

We at the Society thank you for your visit and hope you will return soon.