The Perilous Journeys of St. Upid

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2009-11-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

The Perilous Journeys of St Upid will henceforward be posted at wordpress.

The Festival Of Constellations

2008-09-02T14:01:00.001-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragments 21p. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

12 After some time passed, we agreed among us never again to mention [our experience] with the Behemoth of Patsos Gorge
13 And we journeyed still further, arriving in Vrisynas on the ninth day following [our ordeal].
14 Upon arrival, we were welcomed warmly by the few remaining brothers of the sanctuary there and learned that our [dating calculations] had been in error.
15 having hoped upon hope to join in the Festival of Constellations, we instead were a Sabbath too late.
16After our amazement [at this] subsided, we [queried] the brothers why it was that so few remained within the community.
17 One of the brothers, Indulgius the Wise, relayed to us the events [that had transpired].
18 And these were the words of Indulgius the wise.
19 "On the first Sabbath after the Nativity of St John the Baptist, we were in due course of celebrating the Festival of Constellations
20 When the Archway of the Heavens grew darker than night and the stars did disappear, though there were no clouds
21 And we trembled in fear at the sight of it, thinking the great and terrible day had come [prematurely].
22 Yet there was no blast and no shout, so we peered into the darkness to [discern its form]
23 And our eyes beheld nothing, and it spread vast over the Archway of the Heavens
24 And did encompass us and shroud our [view] so that no man could see his brother
25 And as we stumbled, there arose loud shouts and cries of pain from the darkness
26 And we cowered all the more, thinking some evil wind had despised our sanctuary.
27 But the darkness prevailed in this manner for what [we figured] to be six days and nights
28 And when the darkness subsided, we became aware that the Festival of Constellations was at an end
29 And our hearts sank for we were unable to celebrate in due course
30 Neither were we able to [make] the seasonal offering of raising standards that bore the name of our favorite star.
31 No, we were downcast and full of sorrow, but we were not [overcome], for brothers Republus and Democrus [reminded] us that it was but two moons Sabbath until the Day of Atonement,
32 Thought they quarreled about the meaning of the day of who should come henceforth
33 Still, our hearts were encouraged at the words they spoke, so that many therefore decided to go into the countryside and [nearby] villages and declare unto them the Advent, saying:"

34 'For unto us a King arises
35 Unto us a blessing is given
36 And the government shall be upon his shoulders
37 And his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor
38 Mighty Conqueror
39 Prince of the Ages
40 Savior of Mankind
41 And he shall deliver us from all our sinfulness
42 By the authority of his sword and the stroke of his quill
43 And he shall prolong the days of our blessing
44 For we have cast upon him our voices
45 And in his goodness he has heard us
46 And will surely deal bountifully with us
47 Until the Festival of Constellations returns
48And our voices are heard once more.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

The Death of King Ralovent

2008-08-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 16a. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

14 And there was a [great] famine in all the land, and no crops could be found to grow, neither in the fields nor in the [terraces] above.
15 And the people cried out to their idols for relief, but there was no relief, for their idols were not [powerful enough] to assist them.
16 And it came to pass at that time that King Ralovent, the high king, turned his face against the idols and cried with a loud voice, saying:
17 "No more will this people bow down before you, O idols!
18 No more will this people bend their backs for the sake of your temple offerings!
19 For you have deserted your people and left them to the land, as an [orphan] is left to the dust.
20 Therefore, I will make my name great in all the land when I bring this famine to an end and dispel the [blight] from our borders!
21 Yea! I will raise up crops and grow them fully in the land I make fertile, and on that day the people will fall down before me and worship.
22 No more will the people suffer on your account, for they will be made to suffer on mine."
23 And as King Ralovent, the high king, began to secure the fields and [terraces] above, he did irrigate them with water from [channels from] under the earth.
24 And as they began to grow, so did the people's hope grow.
25 But even as the moon passes between the earth and [its] sun, casting a shadow, so also was the peace of King Ralovent, the high king.
26 For the Carpathians, seeing that the land was full and overflowing, brought war against Crete,
27 And they came with swords and spears and giants to ravage the land, and [rock-hurling devices] to demolish the towns, killing every man, woman, and child, and slaughtering the livestock for [dinner].
28 And they feasted on the spoils of their conquest.
29 But King Ralovent gathered his armies and went to meet them in the plain of Gnossus, crossing the southern mountains to engage the Carpathians from the rear by surprise.
30 Yet the Carpathians overpowered and defeated King Ralovent and his armies, casting them to shame.
31 And King Ralovent fell in battle on the third day, struck from behind by his own archers while [charging] the burial mounds where the Carpathian giants were gathered.
32 And King Ralovent was pierced and died that very day, breathing his last.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

The Holy Scroll Of Libertina: Part II – Our Inalienable Freedom

2008-04-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragments 92g-92h, one of the most complete parchments. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

34 'Yet man is not without hope, for he will yet regain his freedom
35 by the effort of his hands
36 and the penitence of his heart.
37 For man did not enter a corrupted world
38 but into corruption he has [led] it,
39 and [out of] corruption he must yet lead it,
40 and by the sweat of his brow wilt he lead,
41 until the [entire] earth shares in his freedom.
42 All lands and peoples will be released.’
43 Thus declares the amalgum.
44 ‘For man is only bound in his mind and heart,
45 for his hands and feet are not bound
46 unless by another they are bound;
47 but [many] a man binds himself
48 and places himself in a bind.’
49 These are the words of the lords, the amalgam, the effervescent, the plurality,
50 And so let it be.

51 And after the recital of brother Festivian we were filled with wonder and compelled to action.
52 And seeking out various [passers-by] we did lament the nature of the world and man
53 and sing the praises of our inalienable freedom
54 for we [realized] in our hearts that freedom was not [a gift] but our birth-right
55 and that we ought spread freedom to the uttermost parts of the earth
56 in accordance with the voice of Libertina of the Hidden Truth
58 who speaks with the voice of the lords, the amalgam, the effervescent, the plurality.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

The Holy Scroll Of Libertina: Part I - The Nature Of The World And Man

2007-03-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 92f, one of the most complete parchments. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

1 And in the days of the [rule of the] third Creticus, Metallius Minimus, there was turmoil in all the land.
2 At the instigation of Elyrosian zealots, many had come together [against] the capital city of Gortyna.
3 Thinking to put off the rule of the Romans they took up quills and [lived] outside the city gates writing unfavorably concerning the [rule of the] third Creticus, Metallius Minimus, and mocking those who traded at the gates.
4 This continued for days before the third Creticus, Metallius Minimus, formed [a committee] to investigate the matter.
5 As the dignitaries approached the Elyrosian zealots they were [accosted] with parchments and fled in fear.
6 The zealots considered this a victory until a large consort of soldiers were dispatched and levelled their [living area].
7 Most of their parchments were destroyed in this [onslaught] but one was spared.
8 The Holy Scroll of Libertina was hidden away and preserved and now resides in the palace of the Creticus, where the fourth Creticus, Metallius Averagius often [makes reference to it] with great admiration during his [bi-monthly] gathering of dignitaries.
9 (the Elyrosian zealots were later captured and executed, being tossed from the cliffs of Phaestus and dashed against the rocks below.)
10 As brother Festivian was once a dignitary before his conversion, he was [privy] to the contents of the scroll on several occasions.
11 He related to us their contents every year [after] the summer solstice celebrations [were completed.]
12 This is what he would say:
13 Libertina of the Hidden Truth declares, "The words of the lords, the amalgam, the effervescent, the plurality,
14 'Come and reason. The nature of the world and it's encasing shall be made known,
15 and the nature of the man shall be made known in it.

16 The world was given birth in simplicity,
17 Formed of clay and wind,
18 Given light and water,
19 And made to dwell in freedom.
20 This is the nature of the world.
21 Man is given birth in simplicity,
22 Formed from clay and wind,
23 Given light and water,
24 And made to dwell in freedom from his birth.
25 But man relinquishes his freedom,
26 And forfeits his light and water,
27 And his clay resides again in the earth and his wind breaks,
28 And he is complicated,
29 And complicates [all] around him.
30 This is the nature of man.'"

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

Thou Shalt Not Err: Part II - The Writing On The Wall

2006-10-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 15g. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

9 Therefore, taking up our belongings, we [passed out of] the region, accompanied by Obvios the Inerrant and his hooded companions, who continued to speak [with us] concerning his visions.
10 And as we approached the caves of Pelekita near Ampelos we were [forced by inclimate weather] to seek shelter,
11 and coming upon a [caravan] we inquired if there were shelter nearby, for we were beginning to [feel the rain] on our backs.
12 We despaired when they said unto us 'No.' being still almost a full days journey from the caves of Pelekita near Ampelos.
13 But [at that moment] Obvios spoke in a loud voice and cried out,
14 "Brothers! Do not fear! For the Word of Truth is with us this very day;
15 And it shall be a light and a covering to guide and protect us through the storm."
16 But being slow to hear and understand, we feared all the more, lest the water swell in the valley and drown us all.
17 And we cried out to the heavens for mercy, but Obvios spoke again [more sternly]
18 "Brothers! I say to you, fear not! For behold, we have [tents] among our belongings."
19 And when he spoke these words our fears were eased and we were once again jubilant and began preparing our shelter.
20 And as [the evening] wore on we questioned Obvios further concerning the Word of Truth.
21 And he answered us saying, "For the Word of Truth came to me a second time.
22 I returned to my cell after vespers [and found] writing on the wall.
23 And the words were these, 'What you say shall [be], and you shall say it with diligence.
24 Permit no one to [question] you, for by the authority of the Word of Truth will you speak.
25 And you shall revile those who seek to [question] you, for great is their shame before you.
26 You alone are chosen [to know these things] and to act upon them for to you alone are given the high tables of light.'"
27 And we were amazed and questioned him concerning the high tables of light,
28 At which point Obvios became quite irritated and cursed us all before leaving the shelter with his hooded companions never to be seen again.
29 But the rain subsided [before] he [faded from sight], and despite our confusion concerning the Word of Truth and the curses Obvios pronounced upon us,
30 We were [exceedingly] joyful at this, and began dancing on the path.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

Thou Shalt Not Err: Part I - The Meeting And The Dream

2006-09-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 14g. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

53 After the storm had passed, we gathered our belongings and journeyed together toward the caves of Pelekita, near Ampelos.
54 [As we came upon] Vrokastro, the clouds parted and sun once again [shone down on] us.
55 We were [exceedingly] joyful at this, and began dancing on the path.
56 At that moment a [peculiar looking] man with two hooded companions approached us.
57 We were startled and amazed for none of us [had seen them] from afar.
58 He greeted us in the common tongue and bid our names and destination.
59 We were without [a leader] and Pielos [stepped forward] to speak saying, "We are of the [commune] of the Xrystos at Chersonissos."
60 "We are [en route] to the caves of Pelekita near Ampelos that we may study and learn of the masters there.
61 And he spoke to us saying, "I am Obvios the Inerrant of Pelekita near Ampelos."
62 And we fell backwards at his words, for we were surprised.
63 And he extended his arms [motioning] that we remain comfortable and began telling us of a dream.
64 This is the account of his dream.
65 "As is my custom, I was asleep at the 12th hour when I heard a voice call to me.
66 And the voice was saying, 'Arise Obvios, for you [are to receive] great favor and jubilant tidings from the Lord, your God.
67 At this very hour you have been visited by the Word of Truth, and from this day forward [you will surely] cease to err.'
68 I replied saying, 'But I am only a man. How then, shall I not err?'
69 And the voice spoke unto me again saying, 'Fear not that you shalt not err, for many will seize upon you to cast doubt on your words.
70 But you will rise up against them with a tongue of fire, smiting your adversaries [from your] lips.'
71 And the voice departed.
72 And I arose and walked out [into the courtyard] and fell to my knees, thanking the Lord, my God.
73 And it seemed as I prayed, that the voice could again be heard, only more faint.
74 And it was saying, '[There are] such beautiful accoustics here. It is [certainly] a wonder, lest he should have perceived us...'
75 And I continued on my knees in thanks to the Lord, my God, until morning."
76 And when he had finished speaking, we were amazed.
77 And we bid him stay with us, that we might hear more concerning the Word of Truth.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

Fallowell the Intolerant

2006-09-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

The following excerpt is taken from scroll fragment 34b. It has been enumerated for quick reference.

1 [A man came from] the caves of Platavola near Melidoni wearing a cloak of goats hair and carrying with him 3 satchels of bat guano.
2 He was called Fallowell the Intolerant, and he was wise in the ways of men and government.
3 [And he spent many] days with us, teaching us of [politics] and sharing his wisdom.
4 And it happened that, as he was teaching, many among us wondered concerning the bat guano,
5 and while we were still wondering among ourselves, Fallowall perceived our amazement
6 and he answered us saying, "Surely there are those among you who are wondering [about the] bat guano I have brought with me."
7 "There will come a day when a land of freedom rises across the great ocean, and in this land of freedom there will be many who despise the laws of our Maker."
8 "They will begin to seek out [positions of] authority to justify their actions [by way of] the law."
9 "And when this occurs, I, and those who [are come alongside] me, will be prepared to hurl this bat guano at their feet, that they might not walk on holy ground."
10 And we sat in awe at the words he was saying to us, for we were not prepared.
11 So we began at once to gather our belongings, and journeyed from our dwelling near Chersonissos to the caves of Skoteino,
12 that we might collect bat guano in preparation for the coming of this fearful day.
13 After gathering each 3 satchels of bat guano, we made preparation and returned to the city where we practiced making the ground unholy before [the feet of the infidels].
14 And one after another, [the feet of the infidels] were covered with the guano.
15 Their shame was exceedingly great, as our righteousness grew in the eyes of the pious.
16 And we gained some [notoriety] in those days, when we walked with Fallowell the Intolerant.

Our team of scholars has made every attempt to render the most direct translation of this passage. Several portions were repleat with erroneous spellings and poor grammar, which we have attempted to adjust with utmost care for the integrity of the text. These portions are indicated within the text by parenthesis.

It has also come to our attention that there is some hint of prophecy in the text itself - though we are unprepared and ill-equipped to attempt any interpretation concerning what this prophecy means or who it may be about. That said, however, our very own Dr. Henry J. Plickett thinks there is a striking resemblance between Fallowell the Intolerant and a particular contemporary Southern Baptist preacher from Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia.

Meet St. Upid, Patron Saint of Complete Ignorance

2006-09-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, in an archeological dig on the isle of Crete, a trove of ancient writings dated to the 2nd century and written in greek, were unearthed, encased in what appeared to be an ancient toilet.

The contents of these magnificently decorated manuscripts were at first, somewhat confusing , as it seemed to be some account of the life and teachings of a holy man, yet bore no marks of having ever been unrolled or handled. On further investigation experts concluded that the writings were in fact the lost artifacts of the venerable St. Upid. first mentioned in an obscure passage from Justin Martyr concerning the ignorance of the Cretans.

Not far from where the ancient toilet full of St. Upid's writings was found, another peculiar artifact appeared. This wall fresco apparently relates a regular occurrence wherein Upid would horde time in the bathroom causing other saints some consternation. Christ can be seen at the top of this fresco with his hands outstretched in gesture of asking what is taking so long.

As scholars began translating the documents what they found astonished them. It is these documents that we of the SFTPATOATBOAWRSONF (Society For The Preservation And Translation Of Ancient Texts By Obscure Authors With Relatively Small Or No Followings) have gained access to and have now translated and will be offering free of charge to the general public via this blog.

We at the Society thank you for your visit and hope you will return soon.